PUTTING MOM IN ASSISTED LIVING, Insider Tips on Family Survival, Part 1
YOUR VOYAGE
Are you at the beginning of the caregiving voyage? I'm a widower, at the end of mine. I'm not a therapist, but I've spent years living with the same challenges you may be facing today.
Thirty years ago, my family and I cared for my mother while she fought colon cancer. Fifteen years ago, my wife and I helped her beloved mother move into an independent living center. She died in 2015, in a memory care center, a year after my darling wife suffered her own cerebral hemorrhage. I cared for Michelle at home until she died in March, 2019.
YOU
Maybe you're wondering how your family should talk to your mom about moving into a "home." You've searched the internet. You've seen the blizzard of unnerving stories out there. Nothing can scramble a family like this dreaded, but necessary, conversation.
Your voyage may not be identical to mine, but I've learned some things that may help you on yours. You'll need to focus on several things:
- Yourself
- Your Family
- The Place You Need to Find
- The Money
- Mom
You're listed first because your very first heart-to-heart should be with yourself. You may feel guilty about putting yourself first, but remind yourself that you won't be able to take care of anybody if you're confused. And if you're confused, imagine how your mom will feel.
UNCERTAINTY
Consider this: it's never the details of the potential move that will give you grief. It's the uncertainty about how to arrange it. Does that make sense? The more context you have about the situation, the less uncertain you'll be. The less uncertain you are, the more clear everything becomes. Look at the uncertainty as a separate thing.
BURN IT
Are you caring for her now? Do you feel guilty because someone else is? Do you dread another call from her neighbor who found your mom, confused, wandering in the street?
There's lots of ways to ease your own panic, guilt and worry. Do you have a pastor? A counselor? Great. If not, try this:
Pour all your doubt, anger and grief onto some paper. Write it all out, then wad it up, take it outside somewhere safe and set fire to it. Yeah, it's a metaphorical thing, but it worked for me. Watch your worries turn into ash. Don't be concerned if it takes you several times. You're making progress. Keeping your mind clean is imperative.
CONTEXT
Are you attending a caregiver group? Talk to your primary care doctor or call a local church. They'll help you find one if you can't find one online. Attend often, even your mom is in another state. You'll hear people describe their own methods of dealing with their families, what worked and what didn't.
If your mom is close, these groups are a goldmine of local expertise about where to go, who to talk to and (often) where to look for financial help. You'll find support and empathetic answers to all your questions.
Even more important, you'll hear stories much worse than your own. The stories I heard convinced me that, as bad as my situation was, I had it easy. It made me feel less overwhelmed, and it put my worries into context.
YOUR HEALTH
How is your health? Worry and confusion can sideline the strongest of us. Get out of the house. Walk or run every day. The oxygen and endorphins will help you think, and you'll enjoy being away from the situation for a while.
Seriously, every day. If your mom is living with you, it will be more difficult but even more critical for you to do that.
THE ESSENCE OF PART 1
Take care of yourself first. It's important that your mom be able to rely on you. She and you will need you to be at your best. Don't worry, you can do this.
Keep in touch, I'll be writing another article soon about how to gather the information you'll need to have that conversation with your family.
Good luck, Ron
 |
Image by Sabine Van Erp from Pixabay |
Thirty years ago, my family and I cared for my mother while she fought colon cancer. Fifteen years ago, my wife and I helped her beloved mother move into an independent living center. She died in 2015, in a memory care center, a year after my darling wife suffered her own cerebral hemorrhage. I cared for Michelle at home until she died in March, 2019.
YOU
Maybe you're wondering how your family should talk to your mom about moving into a "home." You've searched the internet. You've seen the blizzard of unnerving stories out there. Nothing can scramble a family like this dreaded, but necessary, conversation.
Your voyage may not be identical to mine, but I've learned some things that may help you on yours. You'll need to focus on several things:
 |
| Image byAdalbert Frost from Pixabay |
- Yourself
- Your Family
- The Place You Need to Find
- The Money
- Mom
You're listed first because your very first heart-to-heart should be with yourself. You may feel guilty about putting yourself first, but remind yourself that you won't be able to take care of anybody if you're confused. And if you're confused, imagine how your mom will feel.
UNCERTAINTY
Consider this: it's never the details of the potential move that will give you grief. It's the uncertainty about how to arrange it. Does that make sense? The more context you have about the situation, the less uncertain you'll be. The less uncertain you are, the more clear everything becomes. Look at the uncertainty as a separate thing.
Are you caring for her now? Do you feel guilty because someone else is? Do you dread another call from her neighbor who found your mom, confused, wandering in the street?
There's lots of ways to ease your own panic, guilt and worry. Do you have a pastor? A counselor? Great. If not, try this:
Pour all your doubt, anger and grief onto some paper. Write it all out, then wad it up, take it outside somewhere safe and set fire to it. Yeah, it's a metaphorical thing, but it worked for me. Watch your worries turn into ash. Don't be concerned if it takes you several times. You're making progress. Keeping your mind clean is imperative.
CONTEXT
Are you attending a caregiver group? Talk to your primary care doctor or call a local church. They'll help you find one if you can't find one online. Attend often, even your mom is in another state. You'll hear people describe their own methods of dealing with their families, what worked and what didn't.
 |
| Image by Rudamese from Pixabay |
Even more important, you'll hear stories much worse than your own. The stories I heard convinced me that, as bad as my situation was, I had it easy. It made me feel less overwhelmed, and it put my worries into context.
 |
| Image by Steve Buissinue from Pixabay |
How is your health? Worry and confusion can sideline the strongest of us. Get out of the house. Walk or run every day. The oxygen and endorphins will help you think, and you'll enjoy being away from the situation for a while.
Seriously, every day. If your mom is living with you, it will be more difficult but even more critical for you to do that.
THE ESSENCE OF PART 1
Take care of yourself first. It's important that your mom be able to rely on you. She and you will need you to be at your best. Don't worry, you can do this.
Keep in touch, I'll be writing another article soon about how to gather the information you'll need to have that conversation with your family.
Good luck, Ron
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