PUTTING MOM IN ASSISTED LIVING, Part 2, A Conversation with Siblings

Myriam's Fotos/Pixabay

IS IT TIME?

Are you thinking Assisted Living is where your Mom needs to be right now? Take 3 minutes to read Part 1 of my series about a conversation you must have with yourself. Then, read this article, Part 2, where I cover the conversation you and your siblings should have.

I’ve loaded this post with URLs to make your research faster and easier. Remember, I may talk about Mom but it all applies to Dad, too.

WHAT TO SAY

Take a breath. It’s normal to be apprehensive. Whether your siblings take difficult conversations in stride or they always ignite fireworks, keep telling yourself (and them): “We’re all in this together. Let’s remember Mom as the loving person who let us hold her hand when our world was coming apart at the seams. We’re just returning the favor.”

Add this, “We’re also doing ourselves a huge favor, because we'll all have to do this, too, someday." Now go here: https://www.agingcare.com/

Need more depth? Do you and Mom have an uncomfortable relationship? My co-author’s wife, Karen, recommends this book highly. It showed her how to ask her mother how she wanted to be cared for, instead of Karen wanting to tell her.

https://www.google.com/search?q=amazon+books+the+dance+of+anger&rlz=1C5CHFA_enUS874US874&oq=amazon+dance+of+anger&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0j69i64.8872j1j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

LeoNeoBoy/Pixabay

YOUR LIST

I’m giving you a list of 3 topics. I recommend you parse them out to your siblings to research before the “siblings meeting.” Each of you will need to develop some certainty, and the context of your Mom’s condition should drive that. Plus, this will give each sibling something to bring to the meeting. A tip: no one should take on more than they think they can handle.

HER MEDICAL CONDITION
Talk to Mom’s primary doctor about the specifics of her condition. Her list of medications and diagnoses may surprise everyone, especially if they usually hear, “Don’t worry, I’m fine.” She’ll need to sign the federal Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) form at her doctor’s office. It will legally allow him or her to give you Mom’s information. 

humberto chavez/unsplash

She’ll also eventually need a Durable Power of Attorney (POA) for Health Care and an Advanced Directive, stating her wishes about her end of life. These conversations can be fraught, but they’re crucial. Go here for more on how and why to do this: 

https://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/12-28-15-how-to-talk-to-your-parents-doctor/

https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/free-printable-advance-directives/

Rilen Manikion/Pexels

FINANCIAL AFFAIRS

We’ll talk about this topic in more detail in a future post, but here are a few well-organized sites to get you started. First, prepare to (eventually) talk to Mom about her finances:

https://bethkobliner.com/conversation/help-aging-parents-manage-money-finances/

Second, many states have Filial Responsibility laws which impose a duty on adult children to support their impoverished parents. Look into that here: https://www.thebalance.com/what-is-filial-responsibility-3974828

Third, Here’s a review of how to pay for assisted living:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-pay-for-assisted-living-153842.htm

Fourth, an explanation of Medicare vs Medicaid:

https://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/081114/medicaid-vs-medicare.asp

(I’ll cover some intricacies of Medicaid issues in a future article.)

One last thing: if Mom or Dad have any connection to the military or are veterans or spouses of veterans, here are two sources of free help. Membership isn’t necessary: https://www.dav.org/veterans/find-your-local-office/ 

https://www.vfw.org/about-us/faq

LEGAL HELP

In Part 1, I described how to locate an eldercare attorney. Many of them offer free, community-outreach seminars that cover the important issues I’ve covered above. You can also find one here: https://www.naela.org/findlawyer

Here are three reasons to use an attorney: 

1. The POAs, Advance Directives and wills Mom will need must be bulletproof. One tip: If you have a perfect family, you can have all the siblings listed as co-executors of the will and co-attorneys of the POAs. If not, have them list just one sibling. It will avoid arguments at the worst times possible.

2. If you plan on using Medicaid, the legal transfer of assets to Mom’s spouse is, like Medicaid, very state-centric and complex. 

3. If, God forbid, siblings get terminally crossways with each other, an attorney, one already familiar with your mom’s affairs, can mediate the issue far better than you.

geralt, Pixabay

“THE MEETING”

Why are you having it?

That’ll be the first question you hear. Is it to get some help for you as the caregiver? Or is it to find a facility for her to move to? You’ll need an answer.

Where are you having it?

If siblings need an education on Mom’s condition, I recommend where she’s living. Seeing Mom using a walker for the first time has an effect. But remember, your family is unique and all these actions should be in Mom’s best interests. If it would upset or alienate her, perhaps choosing a location equidistant from everyone. Perfect attendance is key.

Bob Dmyt, Pixabay

When are you having it?

Sure, it has to fit everyone’s schedule. But Mom’s schedule is the most important. If you’re finally thinking about Assisted Living for her, perhaps the siblings’ meeting should have taken place long ago. Tomorrow is as good a time as any to plan it.

Good luck. Remember, you can do this.

Stay tuned: Future posts will cover:

     The Place You Need to Find

     The Money

     Mom

Full Disclosure: I’m not a therapist nor am I a lawyer. My views are informed by my experiences while being a caregiver for three different family members.

Our books: The Prostate Chronicles and Letters In a Helmet