ASSISTED LIVING FOR MOM, PART 5. Don't talk to her. Listen.

Sabri Ismail @ Pixabay
The Talk
This is "the talk" you've probably been dreading. I helped my mother, my mother-in-law and my darling wife deal with their end-of-life issues and I learned three things. First, it would have been so easy if these conversations had started years earlier. Second, I could deal with it and hate it at the same time, and third, so important it gets its own paragraph: 

Don't talk to Mom. Listen to her.

"I Need To Sign Your Checks, Mom."
Sbringser @ Pixabay
Imagine your kids saying this to you: "Mom, we think you need to be in a nursing home. We have to know how much money you have. Sign here to give me the Power of Attorney to sign your checks and see your medical records. And before you ask, no, the home doesn't allow cats."

George Desipris @ Pexels
See what I mean? It can sound pushy, frightening. So, start with love. Mention the time she saved you from something scary. Convince her you want to walk this entire path with her. Be a compatriot, not a critic. Don't let your own uncertainty infuse your conversation with her. Remember, you're helping her. 

Say this first: "We love you, Mom. And we're concerned about you." Don't gang up on her. Make sure she sees that you love her. Don't tell her what she should do. Ask her how she sees her future. Listen to her. After she knows you're listening, I'll bet she'll open up. Listen to it all. 

Be the person who cares about what she says. Expect pushback. Allow it in. Ask the right questions. Practice your answers. Here's how:

StartupStockPhotos @ Pixabay
Prepare Yourself
I'm going to act like you've taken fifteen minutes to read the first four posts in this series (see below). They were written solely to make you ready for this final one: your Talk With Mom. When you ask your questions, these four blogs will make sure you ask the right ones. And they'll help you make sure you have the answers:
A Talk with Yourself
A Talk with your Siblings
Finding the Place
Finding the Money

The more you know, the easier it'll be for her to trust you.  You'll be more assured and your confidence will be contagious. Aging Care is a great resource, too. They have an index of every question (and answer) imaginable. NPR has a conversation that's also helpful. Keep telling yourself, we'll both be better off if we do this now.


 If You Don't
If you don't, it may come to this: You're in a hospital with your siblings in a panic about what to do. Mom is in severe distress with swollen legs, can't walk, and can't return home alone because of the stairs in her house. The hospital, after Mom has been an inpatient for two days, is going to discharge her home because her medical condition has been treated. 

 The hospital tells you she hasn't been an inpatient long enough for Medicare to fund a post-hospital, rehabilitation center visit. You'll have to take her home with you or pay for her rehab center out of your own pocket. What do you do?

Andrey Popov @ Shutterstock

 Make a Reconnaissance Beforehand
My mom had already made her will, POA's, end-of-life directives, funeral arrangements, all of it. But, still, the final decisions on the where and the when of her future were made in a hospital. Visit your Mom's closest hospital. Find out exactly what their (and Medicare's) rules are about the length of stay, insurance coverage, and how the doctors' orders will drive the timing of that. 


 Do your recon, for your Mom's sake. If you wait, a funding firefight in front of your Mom (and your siblings) could leave the family in tatters. And read this about "benefit periods." 
Andrew Martin @ Pixabay

You're Next
If you're like me, this experience will benefit you and your own kids, too. I'm guessing you'll learn, like me, to make wills, POAs, directives, all of it. Then share it with your kids. 
Gerd Altman @ Pixabay
My kids have POAs for my finances and health care. They know all my doctors and have keys to my deposit box and the house. My funeral plans are all made and paid. They know which nursing home I prefer and how it will be paid for. And I wrote a complete summary of everything for them (which I keep current on Dropbox).

 That's how my conversation with my mom paid off. There will be no uncertainty for her grandkids. They breathe easily, knowing exactly what's what. Your mom would like that, too, I think, knowing that her end-of-life adventure helped you and her grandkids with their future passage through the same experience.

Good Luck. Ron

Interested in reading more about us? Prostate Chronicles and Letters in A Helmet.

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