ASSISTED LIVING FOR MOM, PART 5. Don't talk to her. Listen.

Sabri Ismail @ Pixabay
The Talk
This is "the talk" you've probably been dreading. I helped my mother, my mother-in-law and my darling wife deal with their end-of-life issues and I learned three things. First, it would have been so easy if these conversations had started years earlier. Second, I could deal with it and hate it at the same time, and third, so important it gets its own paragraph: 

Don't talk to Mom. Listen to her.

"I Need To Sign Your Checks, Mom."
Sbringser @ Pixabay
Imagine your kids saying this to you: "Mom, we think you need to be in a nursing home. We have to know how much money you have. Sign here to give me the Power of Attorney to sign your checks and see your medical records. And before you ask, no, the home doesn't allow cats."

George Desipris @ Pexels
See what I mean? It can sound pushy, frightening. So, start with love. Mention the time she saved you from something scary. Convince her you want to walk this entire path with her. Be a compatriot, not a critic. Don't let your own uncertainty infuse your conversation with her. Remember, you're helping her. 

Say this first: "We love you, Mom. And we're concerned about you." Don't gang up on her. Make sure she sees that you love her. Don't tell her what she should do. Ask her how she sees her future. Listen to her. After she knows you're listening, I'll bet she'll open up. Listen to it all. 

Be the person who cares about what she says. Expect pushback. Allow it in. Ask the right questions. Practice your answers. Here's how:

StartupStockPhotos @ Pixabay
Prepare Yourself
I'm going to act like you've taken fifteen minutes to read the first four posts in this series (see below). They were written solely to make you ready for this final one: your Talk With Mom. When you ask your questions, these four blogs will make sure you ask the right ones. And they'll help you make sure you have the answers:
A Talk with Yourself
A Talk with your Siblings
Finding the Place
Finding the Money

The more you know, the easier it'll be for her to trust you.  You'll be more assured and your confidence will be contagious. Aging Care is a great resource, too. They have an index of every question (and answer) imaginable. NPR has a conversation that's also helpful. Keep telling yourself, we'll both be better off if we do this now.


 If You Don't
If you don't, it may come to this: You're in a hospital with your siblings in a panic about what to do. Mom is in severe distress with swollen legs, can't walk, and can't return home alone because of the stairs in her house. The hospital, after Mom has been an inpatient for two days, is going to discharge her home because her medical condition has been treated. 

 The hospital tells you she hasn't been an inpatient long enough for Medicare to fund a post-hospital, rehabilitation center visit. You'll have to take her home with you or pay for her rehab center out of your own pocket. What do you do?

Andrey Popov @ Shutterstock

 Make a Reconnaissance Beforehand
My mom had already made her will, POA's, end-of-life directives, funeral arrangements, all of it. But, still, the final decisions on the where and the when of her future were made in a hospital. Visit your Mom's closest hospital. Find out exactly what their (and Medicare's) rules are about the length of stay, insurance coverage, and how the doctors' orders will drive the timing of that. 


 Do your recon, for your Mom's sake. If you wait, a funding firefight in front of your Mom (and your siblings) could leave the family in tatters. And read this about "benefit periods." 
Andrew Martin @ Pixabay

You're Next
If you're like me, this experience will benefit you and your own kids, too. I'm guessing you'll learn, like me, to make wills, POAs, directives, all of it. Then share it with your kids. 
Gerd Altman @ Pixabay
My kids have POAs for my finances and health care. They know all my doctors and have keys to my deposit box and the house. My funeral plans are all made and paid. They know which nursing home I prefer and how it will be paid for. And I wrote a complete summary of everything for them (which I keep current on Dropbox).

 That's how my conversation with my mom paid off. There will be no uncertainty for her grandkids. They breathe easily, knowing exactly what's what. Your mom would like that, too, I think, knowing that her end-of-life adventure helped you and her grandkids with their future passage through the same experience.

Good Luck. Ron

Interested in reading more about us? Prostate Chronicles and Letters in A Helmet.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

BEHIND ENEMY LINES ON GUADALCANAL. THEN IWO...

Image
Shutterstock Marble 75 years ago, five Marines and a sailor hoisted a flagpole atop Mt. Suribachi. Several of them would die within weeks, there on Iwo Jima. Three of them now rest in Arlington under marble headstones. Near the Continental Divide in Colorado, a tiny town sits at the base of a marble mountain. A century ago, from its quarries men cut great blocks of purest whiteness for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and the Lincoln Memorial.  David Gould @ Pexels Steam locomotives pulled flatcars piled high with impure pieces of it alongside the  Crystal River, as men shoved them into the river to stabilize its banks.  The town built a schoolhouse atop blocks of it. Dad made the back step of our house out of it.   Of course, t he town's name is Marble. The Poet Wikimedia Commons In 1994, my wife Michelle and I returned to Colorado to live in Redstone, a tiny town downriver from Marble. Michelle was a teacher at the Marble school and, one day at the local i
Read more

The Assassination of John F Kennedy. Why It Matters...

Image
JFK's Gravesite and Eternal Flame, Arlington November 22, 1963 Where was I? I was in math class, a junior in high school, waiting for the teacher to assign us homework so we could leave. A student with a fist full of notes walked in, gave one to the teacher and left. That was odd. He read it in silence, as we watched him, curious. He looked shocked. He adjusted his glasses and read the note to us: "President Kennedy has been shot today in Dallas. He has been pronounced dead. School is canceled for the rest of the day." For decades after that, it was a common question, "Where were you when JFK died?" It was a question, like this one, "Where were you on 9-11?" What usually ensued was a dialogue centered on another, bigger question: "How are we supposed to deal with the fact that no one can breathe?" There was life before that day and life after. America had had a firm grasp on its successful reality, then a single event destroyed t
Read more

MY WIFE HAS DEMENTIA. Now what?

Image
Pixabay What Do I Do? My wife and I heard that diagnosis six years ago. It was the worst news of her life. And mine. So, here's what I know: your immediate future will illuminate for you, and her, what kind of husband you are. I’m not a doctor or therapist of any kind. But I’ve trod this path and maybe I can provide you some helpful insight. Here goes... One day in 2013, my wife was her usual, lovely self. The next day she was in the ICU, being asked every hour if she knew what year it was. A week later we were home. There was lots of hope for rehab and how “this diagnosis affects everyone differently.”  The fact is, your future will be what it’ll be. You won’t know how it’ll turn out until it’s all over. For now, the only thing you’ll have is your conviction that you’re going to help her deal with it, no matter what .  Mauricio Graiko @ Shutterstock “I Do?” You don’t have that conviction? Then these next words are especially for you.  Pardon my bluntness here.
Read more